Как понять изменил ли муж: Как узнать изменяет ли муж с точностью до 100 %: признаки, как проверить

Как понять, что мужчина способен на измену? Внутренние причины измены

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«Как он мог со мной так поступить!» — негодует жена, узнав об измене мужа. Ей больно, она чувствует себя преданной. Однако очень вероятно, что муж вовсе не собирался обижать или унижать ее своей изменой, а тем более разрушать семью. Хотел не «сделать больно ей», а «сделать хорошо себе» — и таких измен довольно много. Какие же они – люди, изменяющие по личным, внутренним причинам? Как их опознать?

Неуверенный в себе

Человек с повышенной тревожностью чрезвычайно нуждается в утешении, успокоении. Общение с одним постоянным «собеседником» не может насытить этот сильнейший голод. Некоторые люди не в состоянии справиться со страхом, тревогой, и для них телесная связь дарит несколько бесценных минут покоя, равновесия.

Есть мужчины и женщины, которые страдают от ощущения своей никчемности: в глубине их души живет сильное сомнение в том, что они хорошие, достойные люди. Им нужно подтверждение все новых и новых мужчин (женщин).

Слишком неуверенным в себе людям живется очень неуютно и волнительно без регулярного внешнего уверения в том, что они привлекательны и любимы. Они могут изменить отлучившемуся в командировку супругу, потому что им сложно жить без внешнего тепла. Такие неуверенные люди иногда заводят «запасной аэродром» — дублирующие отношения на стороне, которые их успокаивают: если недоступен один близкий человек, то доступен другой.

Не умеет и не любит выяснять отношения

Мы живем с людьми, которые иногда понимают нас с полуслова, а иногда — не понимают совсем. Иногда мы что-то хотим получить от них, а искомого нет, или супруг (супруга) «жадничает». Все это порождает напряжение, необходимость прилагать усилия: обнаруживать свои желания, подбирать понятные слова, выдерживать отказ, искать компромисс.

Некоторые люди по разным причинам предпочитают не совершать эти усилия, а сбрасывают напряжение, возникающее в паре, через внешние отношения, которые становятся своего рода «громоотводом». Одни не умеют предъявлять близким свои потребности. Другие — давно потеряли надежду быть услышанным.

Некоторые люди изменяют из-за многолетнего пренебрежения самими собой. В таких браках один из супругов долгое время не обращал внимания на собственные потребности, предпочитая удовлетворять запросы супруга (супруги). Затем случается «взрыв» в виде измены, потому что дальше игнорировать себя он не может, а в традиции отношений с супругом разговор о своих нуждах так и не был включен.

Иногда напряжение возникает не из-за отношений с мужем или женой, а в связи с внутренним кризисом, например, кризисом среднего возраста. Так, 45-летний мужчина может столкнуться со страхом смерти, поскольку обнаруживает, что большая половина жизни уже прожита. Можно взглянуть в глаза этому кризису, а можно попытаться убедить себя в том, что мой возраст мне просто почудился. Отношения с юной женщиной дают ощущение перезагрузки, связи с более младшим поколением, смягчают страх смерти.

Во многих парах у супругов недостаточно доверия для того, чтобы предъявить друг другу произошедшие внутренние изменения. Это может быть связано со смущением, страхом разочаровать. Всего этого можно избежать, притворяясь прежним в основной семье и позволяя себе быть новым, другим в новых параллельных отношениях.

Не может без ярких переживаний

Человеку свойственно стремиться к тому, чтобы испытывать яркие эмоции, жить полной, насыщенной жизнью. Именно поэтому люди путешествуют, ходят в театр, готовят вкусную еду.

Важно, чтобы человек имел возможность существовать, переживая эмоции разной степени интенсивности: низкой, средней и высокой. Обычно яркие впечатления, пиковые переживания являются редкостью, потому и называются пиковыми. В основном мы проживаем поддерживающие нашу жизнь события на эмоциях среднего диапазона: работаем, ходим в магазин и т.д.

У некоторых людей (вероятно, из-за пережитых травматичных событий) в эмоциональной сфере происходит своего рода сбой. Им сложно долго жить без ярких переживаний, без выброса адреналина, на средних оборотах. Кто-то не может обойтись без алкоголя или наркотиков, кто-то — без рискованной ночной езды, кто-то — без участия в криминальных историях, а кто-то — без романтической интриги.

В последнем случае любовный треугольник предоставляет идеальные условия для «высекания» ярких эмоций. Тут есть всё: и страх разоблачения, и гнев, и обида, и вина, и стыд, и радость выигрыша, и постоянный страх разрыва, и надежда, и тоска.

Запретные отношения на стороне можно сравнить с детективной историей: в ней есть интрига, тайна. Сюжет закручен искусно, конца ему не видно, и в этом его ценность. Больших усилий вкладывать в эту историю не нужно — достаточно просто переживать, плыть по течению.

В обычных же отношениях в паре от обоих супругов требуется изрядная энергия и креативность для преобразования повседневной рутины в интересное, осмысленное путешествие.

Страдает сексуальной зависимостью

В ряде случаев причиной измен и романов на стороне становится расстройство, которое называется «сексуальная зависимость». Такое поведение стали рассматривать как психологическую проблему в начале 80-х годов прошлого века. Хотя сексуальная зависимость не входит в официальный перечень заболеваний, это расстройство серьезно влияет на жизнь человека и является проблемой, с которой имеют дело психологи и психотерапевты.

Некоторые авторы считают, что этой зависимости подвержены только мужчины, но, судя по всему, она может поразить человека любого пола. По некоторым данным от 6 до 8% американцев обнаруживают некоторые симптомы сексуальной зависимости, и 12% из них — это женщины¹.

Сексуальная зависимость в общем виде означает часто повторяющиеся действия сексуального характера, которые становятся неконтролируемыми, несмотря на желание, решения, попытки прекратить. Возможность реализовать свой импульс, частые фантазии становятся для человека важнее интересов семьи, друзей, работы.

Пока специалисты не пришли к единому мнению о том, какие факторы вызывают развитие этого расстройства. Замечено, что шанс оказаться сексуально зависимым повышается для тех, кто вырос в семьях, где один из родителей был одержим сексом, у кого в истории были эпизоды сексуального насилия в семье или родные страдали от алкоголизма или наркомании.

Из-за эффекта привыкания, который сопровождает любую зависимость, человек учащает навязчивое поведение во имя поддержания прежнего уровня наслаждения. Исследования показывают, что «кайф», получаемый благодаря выбросу химических веществ, которые вырабатываются во время телесной связи (таких как дофамин, серотонин и окситоцин), сравним с тем, что дают наркотики или алкоголь. Механизм привыкания ведет к закреплению такого поведения, особенно если у человека есть предрасположенность к развитию зависимости.

Привыкание к ярким образам и оказывающим впечатление на психику практикам приучает мозг зависимого возбуждаться только при условиях гиперстимуляции, снижается чувствительность. Поскольку в обычных длительных отношениях с одним человеком такая «гиперстимуляция» невозможна, постепенно сексуально зависимый теряет способность испытывать влечение к супруге (супругу).

Боится слишком близких отношений

Сближение с другим человеком связано с большим количеством самых разных чувств: интерес, страх, нежность, отвращение. Неслучайно, оказываясь в незнакомой компании, мы какое-то время испытываем тревогу. Решаясь открыться другому человеку, мы так или иначе идем на существенный риск: ведь после соприкосновения наша жизнь уже не сможет быть прежней.

Сближение с человеком противоположного пола рискованно еще и потому, что мы приглашаем в нашу жизнь своего рода «инопланетянина», устроенного по-иному и физиологически, и психологически. Межпланетный контакт, как мы знаем из кинофильмов, событие хоть и любопытное, но довольно страшное, а иногда так и вовсе отвратительное — зависит от планеты.

Близкие отношения могут пугать супругов не только по упомянутым выше общечеловеческим причинам. Опыт близости человек приобретает в семье, прежде всего в отношениях с родителями, братьями, сестрами и т.д. Некоторые из нас научились избегать близости в силу того, что в их опыте она была либо навязчивой, удушающей, либо, наоборот, опасной, травмирующей. Кроме того, если в семье практиковались унижающие послания, не хватало поддержки, человек может бояться обесценивания.

Люди, в силу разных причин сторонящиеся близости, часто оказываются вовлеченными в такие форматы отношений, где ее можно избежать: очаровываются киногероями и музыкантами, хронически безответно влюбляются или смотрят порнографию.

Романы на стороне — частный случай такой «безопасной» связи. Человек, боящийся излишнего сближения с супругой (супругом), не уходит из брака, ведь оставаться одному для него тоже невыносимо. Но параллельно он строит отношения, в которых есть много новизны, а сильной привязанности у него не возникает.

¹ What is Sexual Addiction?

90000 Is Your Husband Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell if He’s Lying 90001 90002 If you think your husband is cheating, you’re picking up on important subconscious clues. Here are 5 signs your husband is cheating, plus 4 ways to know if he’s lying to you about the affair. 90003 90002 These tips are from Gary Neuman, author of 90005 The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It 90006. On the Dr Oz show, this marriage counselor shared why men cheat and how to know if your husband is cheating.It’s important to learn the reasons men cheat, because that knowledge will help you determine if you can save your marriage. Infidelity can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment. People who think it will not happen to them are hit that much harder when they find out their husbands are lying about cheating. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? What do men say they’re getting from their mistresses that they’re missing at home? Do a man’s friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat? 90003 90002 «More than 50% of all men have cheated in a love relationship,» says Dr Oz.»Trying to rebuild trust after an affair seems impossible.» In his audience that day, 30% of women 90005 think 90006 they’ve been cheated on … but not everyone knows for sure. Below are Neuman’s signs that a husband is having an affair. Plus, Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute shares four ways to know if your husband is lying about cheating. 90003 90002 According to Gary Neuman, you can learn why men cheat, prevent your husband from cheating — and you can discern when he’s lying about cheating.90003 90014 Husbands cheat for several reasons: 90015 90016 90017 Monogamy not part of a man’s nature. Biology makes men want to have as many kids as possible, so they cheat with as many female partners as possible. 90018 90017 Power, opportunity, money increases testosterone. The more testosterone a man has, the more likely he is to cheat. 90018 90017 Specific genes makes men men more likely to cheat. Scientists are studying a «cheating gene», which involves decreased levels of vasopressin.90018 90017 Husbands are not appreciated at home, so they cheat. 90018 90017 Men are not able to emotionally connect with their wives or partners, so they cheat. 90018 90027 90002 In 90005 Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration, 90006 Cindy Beall describes how her life changed forever after an ordinary Valentine’s Day. She listened with disbelief to her husband, Chris, a respected pastor, confess to pornography addiction, numerous affairs, and the startling news that another woman was pregnant with his child.In her book, she describes how to protect a marriage from lies and cheating. 90003 90032 How Do You Know If Your Husband Will Cheat on You? 90033 90002 Gary Neuman has been a marriage therapist for 23 years. He wrote 90005 The Truth about Cheating 90006 because he wanted to empower women by showing them how men think — which includes why husbands cheat on their wives. 90003 90002 9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating 90003 90002 This relationship counselor says 92% of men who cheat are sexually satisfied at home.Only 8% of men cheat because they want more physical intimacy. 90003 90002 A whopping 48% of men who cheat say they’re missing an emotional connection at home, so they cheat on their wives. The women men cheat with are 90005 not 90006 better looking, younger, or skinnier than their wives. In fact, 88% of men say their affairs are with women who are not more beautiful than their wives. 90003 90002 Surprisingly, 77% of husbands who cheated had best friends who also cheated on their wives. This means that your husband’s friends have a very real, direct effect on your marriage.If your husband’s best friend is cheating, then the chances are higher that your husband may cheat on you. 90003 90032 5 Signs of Cheating Husbands 90033 90050 90017 He’s not as interested in physical intimacy as he was before 90018 90017 He avoids physical and emotional contact 90018 90017 He criticizes you more often 90018 90017 He picks fights or starts arguments with you 90018 90017 He stays away from home 90018 90061 90002 90063 According to Gary Neuman, a woman’s intuition is the most important indicator that a man is cheating.90064 90003 90002 If you’re getting mixed messages from your instincts, it’s because this is an extremely emotional subject! Your marriage is one of the most important things in your life, and looking for signs your husband is cheating is devastating. 90003 90002 To stop over-thinking and learn how to trust your gut, read How to Develop Intuition in Your Relationship. 90003 90002 Neuman also said that lying is worse than the actual cheating. Husbands try to convince their wives that she’s crazy for thinking he’d have an emotional or physical affair — which is so destructive to her self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image.90003 90032 4 Ways to Tell if He is Lying About His Affair 90033 90002 Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute shares four fascinating ways to tell if a husband is cheating on his wife and lying about it. These tips are good, but not enough to know for sure if your husband is lying about cheating on you. 90003 90014 1. How your husband talks can be a sign of lying 90015 90002 Wives know their husbands; if he changes how he normally talks or behaves, then he might be cheating or lying.If he does not usually talk in a high pitch or swiftly, then he’s trying to hide something. You do not need to hire a private investigator to learn if your husband is cheating. 90003 90014 2. What he says — specific statements — are indications of lying about his affair 90015 90002 When a husband says, «I know you think I’m lying» — they’re saying 90005 I’m lying 90006. 90003 90002 How to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating 90003 90002 When they say «You may not believe me, but I’m telling the truth» — then they’re telling the truth.Lying husbands actually tell the truth, cushioned in lies. (Note that this can not be 100% accurate because if a man knows this, he’ll change the way he speaks, right?). 90003 90014 3. Your husband’s nonverbal body language is a sign of cheating 90015 90002 Driver calls this the «belly button rule.» 90003 90002 When we’re telling the truth and are with people we like, admire, and trust, we face our belly buttons towards them. When your husband is lying about cheating, he’ll turn away from you — and you know he’s cheating.If their belly button faces the door or exit, it’s because subconsciously they want to leave or escape. Also, a shoulder shrug should never accompany a definitive statement. 90003 90002 Driver said to 90005 never 90006 believe verbal statements over nonverbal body language. Also — wrapping legs around leg of chair is a sign of restraint, of holding back, and not being honest. Leaning away from you is a sign of a cheating, lying husband because we lean away from things we want to avoid. 90003 90014 4.Emotional reactions to questions can be a sign of cheating and lying 90015 90002 If you confront your husband about your suspicion that he’s having an affair, and he gets angry, defensive, or overreacts emotionally, then it’s a sign that something’s up. Driver also mentioned that lying husbands tend to laugh nervously or make accusations towards their wives. 90003 90002 90003 90002 In 90005 Is He Lying to You? An Ex-CIA Polygraph Examiner Reveals What Men Do not Want You to Know 90006, Dan Crum reveals the two biggest signs of deception, the best way to trap a liar, and what to look and listen for when you suspect your husband is lying about having an affair.90003 90002 A complicating factor about affairs is the difference between physical and emotional cheating. If your husband is best friends with a woman and leaving you out of the relationship, it may be an emotional affair. Read Emotional Affairs Vs. Innocent Friendships to learn the difference between the two types of cheating. 90003 90002 Why do you suspect your husband is cheating — what are the signs he’s lying to you? I welcome your comments, but I can not give advice. Sometimes writing your thoughts can help you work things out, because it can bring clarity and insight.90003 90002 You might also be interested in learning the reasons why people cheat in relationships. 90003 90002 It might help to read through the comments about cheating below. The more you learn about other women’s experiences, the more insight you might have into your own relationship. 90003 90002 xo 90003 90002 90014 90005 Related 90006 90015 90003.90000 9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating 90001 90002 If you think your husband is cheating on you, you may be picking up on subconscious clues that he is having an affair. Here are 5 signs your husband is cheating, plus 4 ways to know if he’s lying to you about the affair. 90003 90002 These tips are from Gary Neuman, author of 90005 The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It 90006. On the Dr Oz show, this marriage counselor shared why men cheat and how to know if your husband is cheating.It’s important to learn the reasons men cheat, because that knowledge will help you determine if you can save your marriage. 90003 90002 Infidelity shatters trust, causing insecurity and resentment in marriage relationships. Women who think their husbands would never cheat are destroyed when they find out their husbands are lying about cheating. Some wives have discovered their husbands were cheating after their husband passed away, which is why I wrote How to Forgive Your Husband for Cheating While He Was Alive.In this article, you’ll learn why men are men unfaithful and if infidelity be prevented. What do men say they’re getting from their mistresses that they’re missing at home? Do a man’s friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat? 90003 90002 «More than 50% of all men have cheated in a love relationship,» says Dr Oz. «Trying to rebuild trust after an affair seems impossible.» In his audience, 30% of women 90005 think 90006 their husbands were lying about cheating, not everyone knew for sure.90003 90002 Below are marriage counselor Gary Neuman’s signs that a husband is having an affair. Plus, Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute shares four ways to know if your husband is lying about cheating. 90003 90016 Husbands cheat for several reasons: 90017 90018 90019 Monogamy not part of a man’s nature. Biology makes men want to have as many kids as possible, so they cheat with as many female partners as possible. 90020 90019 Power, opportunity, money increases testosterone.The more testosterone a man has, the more likely he is to cheat. 90020 90019 Specific genes makes men men more likely to cheat. Scientists are studying a «cheating gene», which involves decreased levels of vasopressin. 90020 90019 Husbands are not appreciated at home, so they cheat. 90020 90019 Men are not able to emotionally connect with their wives, so they cheat. 90020 90029 90002 But, there is good news! According to Neuman, you can not only prevent your husband from being unfaithful, you can learn how to tell if he’s lying about cheating.This will help you take steps forward and perhaps even heal your marriage. 90003 90032 How Do You Know If Your Husband Will Cheat on You? 90033 90002 9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating 90003 90002 Gary Neuman has been a marriage therapist for 23 years. He wrote 90005 The Truth about Cheating 90006 because he wanted to empower women by showing them how men think — which includes why husbands cheat on their wives. 90003 90002 90041 This relationship counselor says 92% of men who cheat are sexually satisfied at home.Only 8% of men cheat because they want more physical intimacy. Surprisingly, 48% say they’re missing an emotional connection at home, so they cheat on their wives. 90042 90003 90002 The women men cheat with are 90005 not 90006 better looking, younger, or skinnier than their wives. In fact, 88% of men say their affairs are with women who are not more beautiful than their wives. 90003 90002 Not surprisingly, 77% of husbands who cheated had best friends who also cheated on their wives. This means that your husband’s friends have a very real, direct effect on your marriage.If your husband’s best friend is cheating, then the chances are higher that your husband may cheat on you. 90003 90016 90041 5 Signs of Cheating Husbands 90042 90017 90054 90019 He’s not as interested in physical intimacy as he was before 90020 90019 He avoids physical and emotional contact 90020 90019 He criticizes you more often 90020 90019 He picks fights or starts arguments with you 90020 90019 He stays away from home 90020 90065 90002 90041 According to Gary Neuman, a woman’s intuition is the most important indicator that a man is cheating.90042 90003 90002 It’s normal to feel confused and get mixed messages from your instincts, because this is an extremely emotional subject. Your marriage is one of the most important things in your life, and looking for signs your husband is cheating is devastating. 90003 90002 If you’re confused, read 11 Common Signs of Cheating — Wisdom After the Affair. 90003 90002 Neuman also said that lying is worse than the actual cheating. Husbands try to convince their wives that she’s crazy for thinking he’d have an emotional or physical affair — which is so destructive to her self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image.90003 90032 4 Ways to Tell if Your Husband is Lying About His Affair 90033 90002 Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute shares four fascinating ways to tell if a husband is cheating on his wife and lying about it. These tips are good, but not enough to know for sure if your husband is lying about cheating on you. 90003 90016 1. How your husband talks can be a sign of lying 90017 90002 Wives know their husbands; if he changes how he normally talks or behaves, then he might be cheating or lying.If he does not usually talk in a high pitch or swiftly, then he’s trying to hide something. 90003 90016 2. What he says — specific statements — are indications of lying about his affair 90017 90002 When a husband says, «I know you think I’m lying» — they’re saying 90005 I’m lying 90006. When they say «You may not believe me, but I’m telling the truth» — then they’re telling the truth. Lying husbands actually tell the truth, cushioned in lies. (Note that this can not be 100% accurate because if a man knows this, he’ll change the way he speaks, right?).90003 90016 3. Your husband’s nonverbal body language is a sign of cheating 90017 90002 Driver calls this the «belly button rule.» When we’re telling the truth and are with people we like, admire, and trust, we face our belly buttons towards them. 90003 90002 5 Signs Your Husband is Cheating and Lying About His Affair 90003 90002 When your husband is lying about cheating, he’ll turn away from you — and you know he’s cheating! If their belly button faces the door or exit, it’s because subconsciously they want to leave or escape.Also, a shoulder shrug should never accompany a definitive statement. 90003 90002 90041 90005 Never 90006 believe verbal statements over nonverbal body language. Always believe your husband’s nonverbal cues, especially if you suspect he’s lying about cheating. 90042 90003 90002 Also — wrapping legs around leg of chair is a sign of restraint, of holding back, and not being honest. Leaning away from you is a sign of a cheating, lying husband because we lean away from things we want to avoid.90003 90016 4. Emotional reactions to questions can be a sign of cheating and lying 90017 90002 If you confront your husband about your suspicion that he’s having an affair, and he gets angry, defensive, or overreacts emotionally, then it’s a sign that something’s up. Driver also mentioned that lying husbands tend to laugh nervously or make accusations towards their wives. 90003 90002 It helps to know your husband well. The better you know him, the easier you’ll spot the signs he’s lying about cheating.You also need to know yourself! Are you ignoring red flags? Do you know deep down that something is not right with your marriage … but you’re scared to face it? 90003 90002 90041 To learn more from Gary Neuman, read his book 90005 The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It. 90006 90042 90003 90032 Help With Marriages Shaken by Cheating Husbands 90033 90002 In 90005 Is He Lying to You? An Ex-CIA Polygraph Examiner Reveals What Men Do not Want You to Know 90006, Dan Crum reveals the two biggest signs of deception, the best way to trap a liar, and what to look and listen for when you suspect your husband is lying about having an affair.90003 90002 A complicating factor about affairs is the difference between physical and emotional cheating. If your husband is best friends with a woman and leaving you out of the relationship, it may be an emotional affair. 90003 90002 Read Emotional Affairs Vs. Innocent Friendships to learn the difference between the two types of cheating. 90003 90002 In 90005 Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration, 90006 Cindy Beall describes how her life changed forever after an ordinary Valentine’s Day.90003 90002 She listened with disbelief to her husband, Chris, a respected pastor, confess to pornography addiction, numerous affairs, and the startling news that another woman was pregnant with his child. In her book, she describes how to protect a marriage from lies and cheating. 90003 90002 Why do you suspect your husband is cheating — what are the signs he’s lying to you? Feel free to share your stories and suspicions below! Sometimes writing your thoughts can help you work things out, because it can bring clarity and insight.90003 90002 You’ll find it helpful and enlightening to read the comments about cheating below. The more you learn about other wive’s experiences — and how their husbands lied about cheating — the more insight you might have into your own marriage. 90003 90002 xo 90003 90002 90016 90005 Related 90006 90017 90003.90000 How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband 90001 90002 If you have no income or financial support, you may feel like you’ll be stuck in an unhappy marriage forever. How do you leave your husband when you have no money? These ideas and tips will give you something new to think about. Even if you do not find an idea that will work for you, you might find support and comfort in the readers ‘comments at the end of the article. 90003 90002 You are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. There is a way out, and you will find it … especially if you reach upward to God and inward to your intuition for the strength and courage you need.90003 90002 «I want to leave my husband but I have no money,» says Christine on Emotional Disconnection — When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage «I have two kids, I’m pregnant with my third, and I just do not know where to go. I have no family who can help, they live in a different state. I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I do not have money to leave. I do not know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them.I can not believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time. Can you tell me how to leave your husband when you have no money to support yourself? » 90003 90002 I wish I had the perfect solution and the right things to say to you. You may feel lonely, lost, and trapped in your marriage — and you have no idea how to leave your husband when you have no money. But I do not have magic tips or easy answers. 90003 90002 Read through my tips, and scroll through the readers ‘comments.Some women are brainstorming tips on how to find your dream job, while others are sharing money-saving secrets for women who have little or no income. As you can see from their comments below, there are no easy answers! 90003 90002 Even so, 90013 one of the first things you need to do when you who have no money to leave your husband is to start finding little ways to take control of your life. 90014 Maybe this means finding ways to earn a little bit of spending money, even by babysitting, cleaning houses, or becoming a virtual assistant.You need to inventory your skills and abilities, and find ways to optimize them. You’ll never have enough money to leave your husband unless you start taking action. You’ll feel scared and anxious — we all do when we’re making big life moves — but now is the time for you to learn as much as you can about money and your financial future. 90003 90002 One of the most important things to deal with right away is how you feel. If you feel powerless and helpless, you will not have energy or confidence to work towards getting money to leave your husband.Start doing things that help you feel powerful, strong, and confident. 90003 90018 Leaving Him When You Have No Money 90019 90002 These tips are all about taking action. If you really want to change your life and leave a guy who does not love or honor you, you need to start moving forward. You can not get financial support unless you start reaching out for it. Once you start reaching out with a positive mindset, you’ll be shocked at how easily money will come to you. 90003 90002 90013 Here’s what one reader said she’s doing to earn money to leave her marriage: 90014 90003 90026 90027 Collecting cans and turning them in for cash 90028 90027 Asking my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do, such as washing windows, weeding gardens, etc.90028 90027 Taking online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $ 3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash) 90028 90027 Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $ 5 gift card. Even if can only do $ .50 etc do it! 90028 90027 Selling household items on ebay. May only profit $ .75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells! 90028 90027 Using coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends.Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have 90028 90039 90002 Every journey starts with a few small steps — and sometimes the best step is visualizing what you’ll say when you finally do have money to leave your husband. Start dreaming about your life, planning your future, and thinking about all the possibilities. 90003 90042 1. Remember that help is out there — but it has to be sought 90043 90002 Many financially dependent wives say they have no help, nobody to support them, nobody to go stay with.They may 90045 feel 90046 that way, but it’s not the truth. How do I know? Because if my neighbor came over and said she has no money to leave her husband and asked me for help, I’d do 90045 something 90046. I may not give her money, but I’d help her and her kids in some way. 90003 90002 If you have nowhere to go, read What to Expect at a Women’s Shelter or Safe House. 90003 90002 I also know that wives who feel alone are not really alone because my mom was a single parent. She was also schizophrenic, and we moved to new city every six months or so.She had no friends, no money, and a severe mental illness … and yet she managed to find money help! How did she find it? She went to Social Services, to churches, and to my grandma for help. Do not think of yourself as «trapped» — though I know that if you’re looking for ways to get money to leave your husband, that’s exactly how you feel. Focus on the fact that you WILL get money to leave your husband. It’s just a matter of time and planning. And taking action. 90003 90042 2. Create a plan to leave your marriage — it’ll make asking for financial help easier 90043 90002 Sit down, give the «poor me I have no money to leave my husband» a rest, and put your brains to work.How much money does it cost to feed and educate your kids? Forget about the frills — kids do not need iPhones, laptops, or video games. Can you stay with family while you save money for your own place? How will you support yourself? 90003 90002 If you have specific plans to leave, you may find it easier to ask for financial help. If you’re asking family for money help, read about loans between family members. 90003 90042 3. Learn what types of financial support you’re eligible for 90043 90002 Talk to Social Services about financial resources for single parents.Start by calling the office closest to you. If they can not offer money or other help, ask them for three other numbers to call. Call your church, and talk to your pastor. Do not just ask for financial and spiritual support; ask for practical resources that can help you leave. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. 90003 90002 Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. My husband gives money every single time because he knows single parents need money help because raising kids is expensive.But it’s not impossible, my friend. 90003 90042 4. Talk to a lawyer — and learn about alimony 90043 90002 Here’s a solid piece of advice for leaving your husband when you have no money: 90003 90002 «The demise of a marriage is never a happy event, but sacrificing your sanity to a narcissist is not a healthy option,» writes Hara Estroff Marano in Letting Go of a Narcissist (90045 Psychology Today 90046 magazine, July / Aug 2016). «Your husband is not looking out for you or your relationship, and such active disregard can go a long way to making you vulnerable to depression and despair.It is especially important now to pay attention to your own needs and take action on your own behalf. » 90003 90002 90013 Dr Marano advises women who do not have money to leave their husbands to prepare and plan in advance. Do not move out of the house without consulting a lawyer first — unless you are in physical danger. Talking to a lawyer or family mediator does not necessarily mean hiring a divorce attorney long-term, just seeing one for advice. This will save you money in the long run. 90014 90003 90002 «Alternatively,» she adds, «it may be possible for you to get help through the civil or family law clinic of a nearby law school.You may very well be entitled to alimony, at least until you are financially self-supporting. Also, make note of your husband’s private accounts; all assets acquired during the marriage must usually be divided equally. And do make a record of all instances of abuse. 90003 90002 You will not lose everything when you leave your husband, though it may feel that way. Remind yourself what you are walking away with: your life, your health, your future. You may not have money, but you’re getting from a bad marriage and a steady stream of fear and disappointment.90003 90002 If you have to, you 90045 will 90046 find a way to take care of yourself. Find other women who can support and encourage you — and who you can help and support, too! If you’re staying in an unhappy or unhealthy marriage because you do not think you deserve better, read How Women’s Circles Help You Stop Feeling Bad About Yourself. 90003 90042 5. Learn how to think strategically, not emotionally 90043 90002 In 90045 A Woman’s Guide To Financial Security After Divorce: The Basics: Creating A Solid Foundation (Think Financially, Not Emotionally®) 90046, Jeffrey Landers describes the critical first steps you need to take after your divorce to establish long-term financial stability .It’s extremely important for you to learn how to support your goals and vision with a sustainable spending plan that ensures your long-term financial security. 90003 90002 When you’re searching for tips on how to leave your husband when you have no money, you need to know the pros and cons of keeping your marital home and how to determine if selling makes better financial sense. You can not rely on your emotions when you’re planning your future; you need to learn about reverse mortgages and why this unique tool might be a wise choice for you.90003 90002 Yes, you need money right now. But you also need to start thinking about smart ways to use your retirement and investment accounts — and other sources of income — to add to your cash-flow and extend your financial longevity. You have to learn which assets are most favorable and what strategies are best for managing (and ultimately paying off) liabilities. This is part of taking action, and it will help you feel more in control of your life. 90003 90042 6. Open your own savings or checking account 90043 90002 Many financially dependent women do not have their own checking or savings accounts.No problem! Even if you only have $ 10 to your name, you need to get to the bank and start your journey to financial dependence … and perhaps even wealth! And yes, single income families often live close to the poverty line. I grew up poorer than dirt — we even slept outside a few times. But I grew up to be a strong, vibrant, smart, educated, motivated, happy, Christian woman. I learned resilience and strength from my single parent childhood — and I respect my mom, who had no money and nowhere to go, but she left her husband.90003 90002 Do you have a checking or savings account? Go to your nearest bank — or do some online research about financial institutions — and find out what you need to open your own account. 90003 90042 7. Take it one small step at a time 90043 90002 It’s easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, scared, and depressed about the journey you’re about to go on. Do not let negativity or fear stop you from leaving your husband! Stay focused on what you will achieve in your life, and how much better it will be for your kids and yourself.Write down your goals for a year from now: how much money do you want to be making? What friends do you want to spend time with? How do you want to spend your days? Remember that it takes time to save enough money to leave your husband. 90003 90002 Start a journal, and write down all your hopes, dreams, and plans. Do not let your current situation stop you from dreaming. Your thoughts really do determine your future — and it is now time to starting Blossoming into the woman you were created to be.90003 90042 8. Get strength from women who felt financially trapped, but left their husbands 90043 90002 «I was in that situation for 23 years,» says Sheila in response to How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option. 90003 leaving your husband with no money 90002 «I finally opened up my own checking account, started saving a bit at a time, and made plans. When I finally made up my mind to leave, it took less than a month to finalize the plans. I gave myself a deadline and stuck to it.When you stay in a marriage like that, you enable every negative behavior your husband possesses. You become the martyr. » 90003 90002 It was not until she made up her mind that her plans started taking shape. She stopped wondering how to leave her husband without money, and started actually making plans to end her marriage. 90003 90002 90013 One final tip for women who need help leaving their husbands when they have no money … 90014 90003 90002 Ask yourself, «Am I better off with or without him?» I suspect you know deep down that you’d be better off without your husband, but you can not leave him because you feel stuck and helpless.My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could sprinkle magic dust on your problems and make them all go away! 90003 90002 But I can not. All I can do is encourage you to stay hopeful and courageous, and to find strength in blogs like this and in-person support groups. Surround yourself with women who want to help you grow and move forward in your life … and do not give up on your dreams. 90003 90002 How will you leave your husband when you have no money? Start thinking about the story you will tell your daughter after you’ve rebuilt your life! I welcome your comments below, but I can not give advice.But, you may find that sharing your experience brings clarity and insight. 90003 90002 * 90003 90002 90042 90045 Related 90046 90043 90003.90000 How to train your husband like a dog! An hilarious book reveals that you really can keep him on a tight leash 90001 90002 How to train your husband like a dog! Hilarious book reveals that you can keep him on a tight leash 90003 90004 By Amy Sutherland 90005 Updated: 90006 6:57 BST, 11 March 2010 90007 90008 90004 90010 My husband Scott is well read, adventurous and makes me laugh: I love him. But he’s also forgetful, untidy and a terrible time keeper. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness, but never fails to hear me when I curse him under my breath from afar.90011 90008 90004 90010 Some years ago we took possession of Dixie, an eight-week-old excitable puppy that I took to obedience class. 90011 90008 90004 90010 Over six weeks, I watched her transform and marvelled at how I had managed to change and control another species. I wrote in my diary: ‘Try on husband.’ I did — and it worked. Here’s how: 90005 90011 90008 90022 90022 90004 Puppy lessons: Amy Sutherland explains how you can bring your useless man to heel 90008 90002 1) STOP NAGGING, STOP SHOUTING 90005 90003 90004 I was a nag.About the screwed up tissues, the towels on the floor, taking too long in the bathroom. You name it, I was there nagging. 90008 90004 I felt Scott’s behaviour had forced me to whinge and complain. But, animal trainers do not nag and, most of the time, they do not even correct bad behaviour — they have an approach called ‘gentling’ or ‘affection training’ which means rewarding the behaviour they like and disregarding what they don ‘ t like. 90008 90004 Nagging and shouting does not work. I’d done it for years and Scott was still messy, forgetful and always late.We humans assume that pointing out what we do not want makes clear what we do desire. 90008 90004 Punishment tends to have nasty side-effects such as apathy, fear and aggression. None of these are conducive to learning. A scared or raging animal does not make a good student. 90008 90002 2) IDENTIFY YOUR SPECIES 90003 90004 To make training easier, enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what does not.90005 90008 90004 My species is territorial when it comes to the remote control and bass settings on the stereo, he can not hear high-pitched noises, enjoys a carnivorous diet and is prone to long periods of hibernation. 90005 90008 90045 90045 90004 Territorial: Amy’s husband likes to control the TV remote — but she has learned to understand and accept that 90008 90004 In the end it’s always better to play to a species ‘strong suit. Scott, for example, is nocturnal — so early morning flights or early morning anything are a trial — so I avoid them.90008 90004 He is food driven and can always be distracted, bribed or enticed with food. He needs exercising daily — great for mowing lawns, running errands and trips to the corner shop. 90008 90004 But, just as you can not stop a dog from digging or a camel from spitting, I’m sorry to say there’s no stopping my husband from losing his wallet and keys. 90008 90004 But then good trainers do not want automaton animals. To love your animal is also to accept it — instincts and all. 90005 90008 90002 90010 3) IGNORE BAD BEHAVIOUR 90011 90003 90004 Forget arguing about the mess your partner makes every time he cooks, or the way he leaves his smelly socks strewn around the bedroom.90008 90004 Perhaps the most important lesson I learnt from the animal trainers I met is that, rather than punish or draw attention to behaviour you do not like, you should simply ignore it. 90008 90004 The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behaviour. If a behaviour provokes no response at all, it typically dies away. 90008 90004 So, when my dear husband was — yet again — tearing around our house in a bad-tempered, last-minute search for his keys, instead of stopping what I was doing to help him find them and try to calm him down, this time I said absolutely nothing, ignored his tantrum and carried on with the washing up.90008 90004 It took a lot of discipline, but the results were immediate. He looked for them himself and found the keys. Without my attention, his temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and then waned like a fast moving storm. I was tempted to throw him a bone. 90005 90008 90005 90002 Who knew? 90003 90004 To teach a puppy basic obedience, you need to spend from 20 to 25 minutes training it every day for ten weeks 90008 90004 90008 90002 4) GOOD BOY! 90005 90003 90004 Just as ignoring your partner’s irritating habits will help to wean him off them, rewarding the things he does right — just as an animal trainer would — will also reinforce good behaviour.90008 90004 Whether it’s cleaning the car, putting the bins out or mowing the lawn, make a real point of thanking your partner as soon as he does something you like. 90008 90004 When my husband — a too-fast driver in my opinion — eased off the accelerator, I thanked him. 90008 90004 Likewise, if he managed to throw one dirty T-shirt into the laundry basket (even though the chair in our bedroom was buried under half his wardrobe) I quickly got good results from the combination of ignoring my husband’s bad habits and praising his good ones.90008 90004 Scott basked in my growing appreciation. He started to throw more laundry into the basket and drove less aggressively. 90008 90004 In fact, the more positive I was with my husband, the faster his husbandly defensiveness faded away. When I asked him to do something, he was more responsive. 90008 90004 His spousal deafness miraculously seemed to improve, too. 90008 90002 90010 5) LURING AND BAITING 90011 90003 90004 Luring is a way of saying: ‘You will get this, but only if you do that’.A reward is promised for performing a task. Trainers have used it for centuries. A common way to teach a dog to sit is to hold a tasty morsel right over its head which prompts him to put his bottom on the floor. 90008 90004 Now, some trainers are not keen on luring, as they think it gives the animal a chance to decide in advance whether the treat is big enough or not. The gamble is that the animal may hold out on you. 90008 90004 I am all for luring husbands, but you must judge if yours will think the prize is worth the bother.90005 90008 90108 90108 90004 Tasty treat: Amy lured Scott to Ikea with the promise of a plateful of Swedish meatballs at the end 90008 90004 I once lured Scott to Ikea on a Saturday with the promise of a plateful of their Swedish meatballs in the restaurant afterwards . It only worked once — he decided the scrum of shoppers was not worth the tasty treat. 90008 90004 But his favourite meal cooked and served at the dining room table will always get him away from the TV and off the sofa.90005 90008 90002 6) ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN 90005 90003 90004 To get an animal, and therefore your partner, to perform a particular task, you need to break the task down into baby steps and focus on the most important part of it. 90008 90004 Overcomplicated and confused messages about what’s required will get you nowhere. 90008 90004 For example, if I wanted Scott to be dressed and ready on time for a dinner party, I should not also expect him to have drinks poured. 90005 90008.